Sad songs say so much

*This post was written 04/22

Disclaimer-The following post has absolutely nothing to do with the work I am doing here in Haiti. It’s a bit of a downer, so feel free to skip it. I am not tagging anyone in Facebook when i post this there, so don’t think I skipped you (yes, Tamra, that means you. No need for a complex.) I just want to be completely honest in my posting, if only to myself, so sometimes I just need to write about what I am feeling.

The last couple days I have woken up thinking about someone that has surprised me. My ex-wife has been on my mind. I am not sure what to make of it. It’s slightly disconcerting. And those thoughts were always about the good times. Now, immediately after waking and realizing, I can think of the bad times, too, but I don’t know if that’s just me trying to compensate. The truth is, it was mostly good. It also is the truth it went downhill very fast. And, yes, there are a lot of regrets from the process. I regret I didn’t keep fighting. Now I know that it only works if both parties want it to work, and she was already dating someone else, but it’s a regret, nonetheless. I regret some of the things I said to her, in anger and in hurt. I have apologized to her, but I wish I had been man enough to not hurt her. Part of me wanted her to hurt the way I did. The abandonment was, and still is, tough to deal with. It’s lessened considerably than it was. After all, the divorce has been final for two years. But it’s still something I deal with, mostly in private. I let very few people know that I still deal with it (so if you’re still reading, you get to join the party). The truth of the matter is I do still miss her. Well, I don’t know if it’s her or just the idea of being happily married I miss. I hope that doesn’t sound bad, it’s just a fact. I can’t separate the two.

Now, back to the dreams. I can’t share details, mainly because I have none. I just know they were happy thoughts. I don’t know what it means. Only God does. I don’t know if he’s brought them on simply as part of the continual healing process. I periodically think about the marriage, not to see what I could have/should have done differently, but to learn. Truth is, I wasn’t a perfect husband. News flash-no one is. It’s a learning process. I wasn’t handed a manual that says “How to be a perfect husband.” (And yes, I am aware the Bible is a pretty good manual on that. I tried to lead from a Biblical perspective. I’m simply saying that being a husband-or wife-is on the job learning.) I made mistakes. But I was also man enough to apologize and try and make them right. And the good thing is, if I am ever fortunate enough to get married again, is I won’t repeat those mistakes. I’ll make a whole bunch of new ones. And when I do, I will apologize for those as well. I will say I am learning more about how to be a Godly husband. How to be the head of my household. How to be a good steward of what God has entrusted me with. To learn to be content with what I have. To be a good provider for my family. Right now, that family doesn’t include a wife. It includes several roommates. I try to provide for them by doing my part around the house. I fix whatever breaks. No complaints, I just do it. And listen whenever someone needs an ear. I want to be the kind of person who can be there for her, no question, no matter what. I also have been learning more about the Biblical roles of husbands and wives. About loving her like Christ loved us. To be willing to lay down my own life for hers. It’s a tough, tough concept. Especially in America. But it’s what we are called to. I also am learning more about being a good father. Again, even if I don’t have kids of my own some day, there will be times that I will be an influence to someone else’s child. And I better know how to be a positive one. I better know how to teach them right from wrong. I kinda have that already. I have been a Sunday School teacher. My best friends’ kids call me Uncle Ben.

Ok, as usual, this post has gone a different direction that I had figured. I guess bottom line is that if I continually try and mold myself in Christ’s image, the rest of it should fall into place. That’s what I am striving to do. Tomorrow’s post will be back to actual mission work, and the usual sarcastic comments. I promise.