On love

I think the first question I’ve been asking wrong is this: Am I going to get married again?/Who am I going to marry? I think the better question is am I doing everything I need to do to be the best husband possible if that does happen? If I’m being honest with myself, that answer is probably no. And not for anything normal. While I don’t have a job right now (and most girls tell me that’s pretty important) I have a wide variety of skills and finding work is rarely an issue for me. I think the biggest issue is I have a hard time loving myself. I don’t have much in the way of self confidence and it doesn’t allow me to love myself. If I can’t love myself, I can’t accept love from other people. It’s funny, because the bible verse where it says we should love our neighbor as ourself, I’ve always considered that meaning that we treat our neighbors as well as we do our self. But in m case I think it’s the opposite. I have no problem loving my neighbor. I have a hard time loving myself. I get embarrassed when people point me out in a group. I do not like being any one’s center of attention. And if I can’t handle that, I’ll never be able to be someone’s husband. To be a husband means I must accept her love. I’m going to work on that.

While we’re at it (just in case anyone that bothers reading this knows of any girls) if I had to make a list of what I’m looking for in a girl, it would be this: Christian. But genuine. I’ve known far too many girls who, when they speak of God, it seems….forced. Like its what they’re supposed to say. Rare is the girl who speaks of her relationship with Jesus like she knows Him personally. Where it just comes out naturally. Hard to explain. But I know it when I hear it. I have a couple of friends like that and it’s refreshing. Second, I have a soft spot for artistic girls. Can you write a song or paint? So very hot. Photographers too. But some of them. Too many think because they have a camera and take pictures of butterflies and flowers, they think they are a photographer. The ones that have interesting composition are the true artists. Alternately, nurses. I have a thing for a girl in scrubs. Plus she has to have a heart for others. I don’t need self-centered people in my life. Must love kids. From there, some of the things that would be nice are brunette, shorter than me (I’m 6’2″), a deep appreciation for all sorts of music, loves the outdoors and is someone content with what she has. If you know any girl like that she’s probably married because she is awesome. But in the rare event she’s single, I’d love to meet her.

Ok, so I’m 5 days into the trip. Have been getting a lot done. Mainly painting. I’ve been painting a gate here. Today I moved rock with a wheelbarrow. I’m a bit more out of shape than I thought. I’m working on that. And my friend, Sarah, who’s studying to be a personal trainer, has offered to finish whipping me into shape when I return. Tomorrow the team is visiting Hands and Feet, an orphanage in Jacmel started by Mark and Will from Audio Adrenaline. I’m hoping to visit with them. Haven’t been there since Hurricane Gustav in 2008. Ok, time to sign off. Talk to you all soon!