A confession

I am going to be honest with you here. I have failed recently. I have been feeling restless and I know why. I have been slipping up a lot. Not doing what I should be doing. And God is taking my to task for it. And honestly, I am getting to a point where I am tired of it myself. Before you feel I am going to get all pentecostal on you and tell you that I can ask and receive and be done with it, that isn’t how it’s going to work. I simply need to make choices. And make them again and again until those right choices become a habit. I need to eat better. I eat horribly. In high school I could eat what I want because my metabolism was fantastic. Unfortunately, it quit on me a long time ago. I woke up one day (I believe it was a Thursday…I could never quite get the hang of Thursdays) and realized my metabolism had given up and I was suddenly 40 pounds heavier. That should have been a wake up cal, but who wants to change? I also need to exercise more. I went to the doctor yesterday. I was told I was generally healthy. Weighed in at 224 lbs. And seeing as 2 years ago, I was pushing 300, this should be happy news. But when i came back from Haiti, I was 191. So I have but back on 23 lbs in the last 10 months. It’s easy to see why I lost the weight there. My diet consisted of mainly beans, rice, chicken, fruit and some fish. With the occasional goat, or beef thrown in for variety. Plus I worked constantly. With my job now, I am sedentary for 45+ hours per week, and humans aren’t designed to be that way.

So these choices are going to be made. It isn’t going to be easy. I realize that. I am going to start eating better. Going to look into a better diet. I need to start working out daily. Even though I am sure it will kill me, I am going to look into the P90X (does anyone out there have a set they aren’t using?) I’ve had friends who have done it and said they’ve never been in better shape. Plus it doesn’t involve running, which I megaloathe. But the changes are going to be internal as well. I need to pray more. Read my Bible more. I need to finally deal with some of the same stuff i have been dealing with for years. I deal with the one sin that a lot of men have dealt with, the sin of lust. I feel ashamed even typing that, but I do want to be honest here. My struggle with that comes and goes, but I’m frankly sick of myself. So it’s time to be done with it once and for all.

I am 31 years old now. I was back in Nashville this past weekend, and at the one year annibirthary of Conduit (Darren couldn’t decide if it was the first birthday or one year anniversary, so it was combined) Darren made mention that he and I have discussed the goal of me heading back to Haiti long term. And while I know one of the things that has to be done is I need to get myself out of debt. The other side of that is I need to take the opportunity ti prepare myself for ministry. I need to put myself in a position where I can be as useful to God as possible. Now I know He doesn’t need me. He will accomplish His purpose with or without me, but if I feel like I am supposed to be a part of that plan, I need to be ready. No more excuses. And maybe by sharing this with all of you, everyone can keep me accountable

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